Rethinking "Talk Like a Pirate Day"

Painted by Jean Leon Gerome Ferris, 1920

Today is national "talk like a pirate" day.

At first glance it seems that a day dedicated to talking like a pirate would be a wonderful excuse to spend hours drinking rum, swashbuckling anything resembling a sword while Hardy Har Har-ing and Arr matey-ing around the office to the bemusement, or annoyance, of fellow employees. I don't doubt that the holiday was conjured in good humor, nothing spices up water cooler chatter better than a little treasure hunting scavengery and eye patch wearing costumery, but have you or your pirate lovin' buddies ever stopped to think about what kind of people pirates actually are? Should the infamous behavior of a glorified gang of ocean bullies with a curious way of talking be celebrated?

Johnny Depp - "Pirates of the Caribbean"

I imagine that most of you when you think of a typical pirate from days of yore conjure up images of Johnny Depp from the "Pirates of the Caribbean" movies, in which we as a imagintive film going bunch romanticize the petty thievery and cunning wit of a pirate as a lovable scoundrel with a slur, lots of secrets and a mild drinking problem. Or maybe you're a "Goonies" fan like myself, and a pirate becomes a childhood fantastical villainous hero to be idolized as one who sailed the seas with fearless zeal hoarding precious jewels in his private dining quarters aboard an impossibly gigantic ship.

Either way, subtract the glamor of Hollywood and the child friendly Disney yo-ho-ho spin machine, and we are left with quite a disreputable gang of hooligans.

It's not my intention to ruin all the fun but did everyone collectively forget that the adorable terms "raping" and "pillaging" really mean taking sexual advantage of ladies and then stealing all of their worldly possessions? Just because gold coins and shiny jewels seem like antiquated currency doesn't make it any more right to steal it. Yet somehow, a pirate swiping rubies and stuffing them into the pockets of his tattered vest is a comical caricature more reminiscent of a Captain Hook than a Blackbeard. What in modern day society would be considered grand larceny and a prison sentence, is considered an elaborate and totally harmless game of capture the flag...because ya know, pirates are funny.   

Captain Hook - "Peter Pan"

I must admit that on some level, it's admirable that pirates were such adept sailors and the thought of crossing the vast, untamed oceans of the world has elements of adventure, freedom and danger that most of us stuck in our office cubicles and hum drum lives can only dream of one day experiencing. Yet, at what moral cost did these men seek out this lifestyle? There was no salary or government wage. What they had, they stole and even then gold can only buy supplies for a crew of hungry men for so long. Use "Deadliest Catch" as an example, it takes almost five full grocery carts of food to feed a small crew of men for mere weeks of hard labor.


Crew of the Northwestern - "Deadliest Catch"

Also, why oh why did Pirates feel the need to bury their treasure? They worked so hard to acquire it, raping and pillaging can sure take a lot out of a fella, why not spend a little or at least keep it around to gaze at every once in a while. I'm aware that when one steals a treasure, and is not bound to any particular land banking system, then a hole in the sand seems like the best alternative but just because you're greedy doesn't mean you have to be miserly too. Get some new clothes. Fix that guy's peg leg or at least invest in a good cane. Repair torn sails and maybe instead of invading small villages on the coast every time you go to port, how about you pay an innkeeper like nice boys. I'm sure for the right amount of money and cunning, you can drink, eat and sleep with as many ladies as you want and nobody gets hurt.



Ambroise-Louis Garneray (1783–1857)

The adjective bloodthirsty isn't cute, it's actually quite appalling. Pirates weren't merely looters and hunters of booty, they were serial killers, psychopaths, terrorists, murders and crooks. They were homeless and jobless hobos who carelessly wielded deadly weapons without compassion or regard for any life but the continuation of their own despicable existence. So as you spend today trying to "arg" and "avast" with the rest of the "pirate day" observers, perhaps take a moment to pause and rethink just who it is you are pretending to be.

If it was up to me, I'd rather have talk like Data from "Star Trek" Day, or talk like Rocky day, or talk like Sean Connery Day, or Jabba the Hut or Yoda...